Autism: The Downward Spiral of Down Time

My virtual friend Katharine from Mama's Alright wrote about fear this week and it couldn't have come at a time that was more apropos for yours truly.

First some confession:

I have a need for sameness.

I dislike disruption of my routine.

I don't do down time.

My shoulders tighten.

Dull-pain knots invade my abdominal cavity.

I fight with my husband.

I'm cranky with my kids.

Just not good.

But, as all you grownups know, the only thing that is constant in our lives is change.

God I hate that.

This week is one of those crazy weeks where Jack is home from school with no therapy to speak of. Amy has swim practice every day. The basement has standing water in it because of severe thunderstorms.

I've lost control of my wonderfully scheduled life. Where am I supposed to be when? How do I juggle the babies? I feel so guilty for not being everything they both need. When I'm driving and coordinating and signing permission slips, life feels so much more controllable. I'm do-ing.

But as Katherine says in her blog, fear stands for "fearing events that aren't real." Sometimes you have to just be.

So I hang with Jack. Yeah, he's stimming a bit too much, but it's not the end of the world. We're playing and laughing and potty training.

He's happy.

I score a babysitter for Jack and take Amy to swim practice. Yeah, I get soaked from a passing rain storm and my body is grimy from standing on the shore of the pond she's swimming in. When she's on a break I work my way through the crowd of swimmers to find her and give her a high-five. She asks if I would consider not hovering. "Stand over there, Mom..." she whispers, pointing to the lifeguard stand a football-field away.

Mission accomplished. She knows I care. A little too much in this case.

No commute. No schedule. (Except for the swimming thing.) Amy sleeps with Jack in his room every night. They laugh at each other and occasionally pull each other's hair. We hang out in our pajamas. Watch some Noggin. Eat too much.

Out of sorts.

It's awkward for me, but I feel so...

in-the-moment...

Fear is a friend that's misunderstood.

I know the heart of life is good...

And thank God, Monday is right around the corner.